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Feeling numb

I’ve felt numb for a long time. I don’t get excited about things. I don’t feel sad about things. I just feel blah. No real emotions. Just going through the motions.

That’s one of the main reasons I started this blog, I want to take you on my journey back to feeling. And I’ve made some steps forward(like crying) I hadn’t cried for a long time. I, like most people, had been taught that crying was bad.

“You should only show good emotions, because bad emotions show weakness.” At least that’s the line I was taught. Everything someone picked on me and I got angry or sad basically reacted, they found they could “push my buttons”.

Stop reacting, the bullies push harder for a while, then give up.

That worked for me, so I stopped showing emotion, or allowing myself to feel the emotions. I became a cold calculating robot, that is until I’d explode. And boy would I explode.

But after a while I stopped exploding as often. I learned how to better suppress my emotions.

It’s not that I’m cold, most people actually think I’m a very caring people. It’s that I only show good emotions, or the emotions I think the people around me want to see.

Basically I learn how to manipulate people, telling them and showing them what I knew they’d react to in a way I wanted them to. It isn’t all bad, I learned that if a did the dishes and laundry my roommate won’t do get cranky at work, so she got a promotion, then she was gone more then she’s home, which is what I wanted.

I learned that I instead of becoming defense of towards verbal abusive, turn it into a joke or purposely took what they said in a different way.

These were all defense mechanism that I learned, they worked in that they got me what I wanted. But at too high a price, now I don’t happy or sad. My grandfather died and I didn’t cry. I do crush my work out goals and I don’t even smile. That was the price.

I’m using meditation to heal, I’m getting back in touch with my emotions. I allowing myself to remember all the bad things that happened to me, allowing myself to feel compassion for myself and everything that happened to me.

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